#nowadays he just spends so much time worrying about what characteristics of himself must be so grotesque to others around him

[muu-kun]

Speaking of fashion, I will eventually have the appropriate amount of time to dedicate myself to a proper attire headcanon post. For now, I only have examples for silhouettes pertaining to dresses gathered. Which at this point can ultimately be narrowed down in explanation as Muu holding preference for a bodice that does not require even just a modest breast size.

Although he does wear bralettes (which is not out of gender dysphoria or euphoria on any account actually. Instead, it is more so like a running joke with himself at this point due to the fact he's actually had an infatuation with wearing them since he was a sixteen year old boy that found a bra lying in the street) he doesn't do so with the intent of applying padding to them-- especially when considering the fact he has some minor gynaecomastia due to stubbornly persistent baby fat going on. He can deal with those, but he definitely doesn't want to even so much as imply he has "real breasts."

He also isn't one to gravitate towards those built around the necessity for breasts due to the fact that he does not wish for the attire adorning his body to appear as though something (or somethings) is missing. Which is also the given reason why even in his decision to wear what is considered women's underwear underneath the dresses similar to above, he does not engage in the act of tucking. Yes, that does come within treacherous territory per the fact that he is then advertising himself as a flamboyantly youthful individual with an occasionally visible (and not incredibly well endowed, mind you) genitalia outline in his attire. That's not even to mention the detectability of his disabilities on establishing conversation with him.

Beyond that, he's not too partial to much else. Length and material is otherwise irrelevant as long as he can freely move within it to accommodate an in-between active and sedentary lifestyle. He would also best appreciate those that are not overwhelming to the senses in one manner or another-- this includes itchiness, heaviness, lack of breathability, and so on. Textures usually aren't too worrisome to him, however, as he has been raiding the closet of his female friends (such as Hannah of @kannojo predominantly) for years, so by now he knows what he does and doesn't like with enough ease that even unexpectedly finding something is unappealing to him van be easily remedied without any fit.

The bottom line with all of this is while Muu strictly wears what is primarily marketed as women's clothing, he does not do so out of the desire to be a woman. In fact, he's asked that question within himself many times only to come up with the same conclusion each time: He is simply an aged up boy caught up in having to navigate too many things at once, therefore eccentricities intended to lighten his load have transpired. Being that 99% of abusers have been men throughout the years, and women his sanctuary from them, it became sensible at some point for him to cease one struggle for favor of mirroring his safety while he sources through another. Muu has no idea even how to be a person yet, let alone a gendered one.

That is also not to say he wishes to abolish entirely in favor of utilizing they/them pronouns. In fact, it still remains quite the opposite. At this time in his life, he's not looking to be othered more than he always has acquired for himself. Being gridlocked into a perpetual state of regression in his present has been isolating enough as is that he doesn't wish for more beyond that. It also has intriguingly been almost beneficial in keeping some of his identity centered, though, as being so interwoven with his inner teen provides connection with the perspective of character held back then.

When he was sixteen, he was very self assured in nearly all aspects in life until led to second guessing the bulk of them. Of those is one of which where he was well adamant that he was a boy with a preference for he/him pronouns to demonstrate that. And while he's been able to find appreciation for femininity that he'd have otherwise mocked in his youth, that is as far as it goes for the time being. Working beyond the semantics of that just isn't on the table at this time in his life.

Where he might go with it during Pride Month is still up to him, but, really, his focus is far more centered on fulfilling and answering other aspects of his person at this time. Generalized comfort and safety are of the utmost importance to his emotionally led manner of living. Once that is established, whether or not he opts for reintroducing what is considered men's attire back into his wardrobe is completely up in the air.

[wesleyhill]

God’s Blood for All Saints

A homily on Revelation 7:9-17, preached at Trinity Cathedral, Pittsburgh, on the Feast of All Saints 2020

I would speak to you in the name of God, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen. It’s impossible to open a news site or paper or magazine without seeing words like “division,” “polarization,” and “disagreement.” (Indeed, it’s nearly become a cliché to mention these things.) A columnist for Time magazine named David French recently wrote this: We [Americans] increasingly loathe our political opponents. The United States is in the grip of a phenomenon called “negative polarization.” In plain English this means that a person belongs to their political party not so much because they like their own party but because they hate and fear the other side. Republicans don’t embrace Republican policies so much as they despise Democrats and Democratic policies. Democrats don’t embrace Democratic policies as much as they vote to defend themselves from Republicans. At this point, huge majorities actively dislike their political opponents and significant minorities see them as possessing subhuman characteristics. I think David French is right about our political divisions, but there are so many more instances of division and hostility we could mention. Our country is rife, it seems, with enmity and hatred. Families are fracturing. Churches are splitting. Black lives are being snuffed out with impunity. It’s no wonder that we are hearing worried chatter about the possibility of “civil war.” The Bible is not naïve about these realities we are currently enduring. It is clear-eyed about hostility and violence between individuals and within societal groups. Barely four chapters in, the Bible tells the story of a brother who murders his brother. And only a few chapters after that, it tells the story of humanity’s arrogant attempt to build a stairway to heaven and God’s resulting judgment: “And the Lord said, ‘Look, they are one people, and they have all one language; and this is only the beginning of what they will do; nothing that they propose to do will now be impossible for them. Come, let us go down, and confuse their language there, so that they will not understand one another’s speech.’ So the Lord scattered them abroad from there over the face of all the earth.” Division is God’s judgment. Enmity between people groups is a tragedy and a curse, as the Bible sees it. The main division, though, that we see in the Bible is the division between God’s chosen people Israel and the rest of the nations. In the New Testament, St. Paul describes this division like this: there is “the dividing wall, that is, the hostility between us.” Jews often despised Gentiles as “sinners,” as “dogs,” as the antithesis of everything they were called to be and to do as God’s special people. And Gentiles returned the favor, disdaining Jews and persecuting them, driving them from their homeland, subjecting them to idolatrous demands. There is no human way of breaching such a division between peoples, no way of overcoming the hostility. That is the reason why our reading this morning from the book of Revelation is so breathtaking. Listen to a portion of it again. John, the seer, who writes down his visions, says this about God’s heavenly throne room: “I looked, and there was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, robed in white, with palm branches in their hands. They cried out in a loud voice, saying, ‘Salvation belongs to our God who is seated on the throne, and to the Lamb!’” If you know the Bible’s history, its stories of division and hostility and enmity, this is an astonishing passage. Here tribes and people groups that were at war with each other are now joining their voices together to praise God the Father and the Lamb of God, Jesus Christ our Lord. Here are Jews and Gentiles together in the same choir. Here are Persians and Babylonians, Judeans and Samaritans, Romans and barbarians — and, we might add, Hutus and Tutsis, North Koreans and South Koreans, Israelis and Palestinians. They are all equally robed in fine linen, with no one in a better or worse off position than anyone else. And they are giving thanks to God for rescuing them — that’s what “salvation” means. They are united, they are equally sharers in the same salvation, and they are singing the same song. This is a vision of all the saints of God, the holy ones whom God has redeemed, whom we commemorate on this feast of All Saints. It is a picture of our ultimate destiny. We trust that in the end, by God’s mercy and faithfulness, we will be there among the saints before God and his Christ, and we will spend all eternity adoring God and basking in the light of His life and love. But we need to ask a difficult question here. How is all this talk of togetherness not cheap? How is it not just singing Kumbaya and pronouncing “peace, peace” when there is no peace? How is it not whistling a tune while the world burns? In his latest encyclical, Pope Francis poses the question: “Nowadays, what do certain words like democracy, freedom, justice or unity really mean? They have been bent and shaped to serve as tools for domination, as meaningless tags that can be used to justify any action.” How, then, can we “unbend” a word like unity? How can we make sure it isn’t simply a covert tool to preserve the status quo? One of the striking things about our reading this morning is that it refers to Jesus Christ without using His name. It refers to Him four times as “the Lamb.” And one of those four times is in the longer phrase “the blood of the Lamb.” The saints from every tribe and language who gathered around the throne of God are described as the ones “who have come out of the great ordeal; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.” Let’s linger over this image for a moment. It’s a picture drawn from the Old Testament and the story of Israel. On the eve of God’s liberation of his people from their slavery in Egypt, God commands the Israelites to kill a lamb and smear its blood on their doorposts and lintels so that they might be spared the judgment of God in the form of the angel of death. The lamb’s shedding its blood, its yielding up of its life, is what protects Israel and delivers them from destruction. What the seer John’s vision says to us is that our Lord Jesus Christ is the ultimate and final Passover lamb. Jesus, the Lamb of God, bore the full weight of all the guilt and injustice and sorrow and hatred and immorality that we perpetuate. Jesus is the Lamb of God who shed His blood to bring it all to an end, so that we might be forgiven and set free from sin and death and changed into agents of justice and mercy and healing and virtue. God does not wink at our grievances against one another. God does not tell us all simply to “get along,” sweeping our divisions under the cosmic rug. God does not offer us a cheap “reconciliation” that is built on ignoring the real issues at hand. What God does instead, we might say, is ratchet up the stakes. God tells us through His holy law that the main division, the primary hostility in the world, is not between Jew and Gentile or Black and white or rich and poor or Republican and Democrat. No, the chief division, the tallest and thickest wall of hostility, is between a sinful, angry, rebellious humanity and a righteous, holy, and loving God. St. Paul goes so far as to call us — all of us, every single human being — “God-haters.” We have all turned aside from God’s ways; we have all strayed like lost sheep. And the wonder of God’s good news is this: rather than disown us as hopeless sinners, God agrees to pay Himself the price of our enmity. God endures our hatred and murderous divisions at the cost of His own blood. God overcomes the great division in the universe — the division between God and humanity — at the price of His own death. The great Karl Barth describes this “wondrous exchange” in such powerful terms I feel I must quote him: If we would know what it was that God chose for Himself when He chose fellowship with humanity, then we can answer only that God chose our rejection. He made it His own. He bore it and suffered it with all its most bitter consequences… God chose our suffering (what we as sinners must suffer towards Him and before Him and from Him). God chose it as His own suffering… [God chose] to empty and abase Himself for the sake of [His] chosen ones. Judas who betrays Him He chooses as an apostle. The sentence of Pilate God chooses as a revelation of His judgment on the world. God chooses the cross of Golgotha as His kingly throne. God chooses the tomb in the garden as the scene of His being the living God. That is how God loved the world. That is how from all eternity God’s love was so selfless and genuine… [F]rom all eternity God has determined upon [our] acquittal at His own cost… God has ordained that in [our] place… God Himself should be perishing and abandoned and rejected — the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world. (translation slightly altered) God Himself has paid the price in His Son Jesus Christ to reconcile us to Himself. If this greatest and deepest hostility between God and humanity has been overcome, then the lesser divisions between ourselves have also been overcome. We now, whether Jew or Gentile, Black or white, rich or poor, old or young, are called and empowered to live out the unity we have been given in Jesus Christ. The Christian writer Francis Spufford is right when he says, “This is not very comfortable. Here Christianity overspills the separate categories by which we conventionally understand the world now, insisting to an awkward degree on common ground.” Precisely. This is awkward and challenging and costly in all sorts of ways, and it must involve the telling of hard truths about ongoing injustice and the need for repentance, but just this is what we are called to in Christ. We have common ground with each other: we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. We are all broken and in need. And, at the same time, we have been forgiven and declared righteous in God’s sight through the death and resurrection of Christ. In a few moments, all of us here, who have been washed in the blood of the Lamb, will come forward to eat and drink the Lamb’s body and blood. “Love is that liquor sweet and most divine, / Which my God feels as blood; but I, as wine” (Herbert). The blood of the Lamb that was shed on the cross has become our salvation and sustenance. Hymn #174 in our hymnal is a hymn whose origin dates back to the sixth century. It says much better than I could ever say everything that we are celebrating on this great feast day. As I read its words to you, may they be a preparation and invitation for the feast we are about to share together: At the Lamb’s high feast we sing praise to our victorious King, who has washed us in the tide flowing from his pierced side; praise we him whose love divine gives his sacred blood for wine, gives his body for the feast, Christ the victim, Christ the priest. Where the paschal blood is poured, death’s dark angel sheathes his sword; Israel’s hosts triumphant go through the wave that drowns the foe. Praise we Christ, whose blood was shed, paschal victim, paschal bread; with sincerity and love eat we manna from above. Mighty victim from the sky, Pow’rs of hell beneath thee lie; death is conquered in the fight, thou hast brought us life and light: hymns of glory and of praise, risen Lord, to thee we raise; holy Father, praise to thee, with the Spirit, ever be. Amen.

[personalcoachingcenter]

Power Tool: Know Thyself vs. Self-Sabotage

New Post has been published on https://personalcoachingcenter.com/power-tool-know-thyself-vs-self-sabotage/

Power Tool: Know Thyself vs. Self-Sabotage

A Coaching Power Tool Created by Athina Tsellou (Health & Wellness Coach, GREECE)

The unexamined life is not to be lived. Socratic dictum

Know Thyself:

The phrase Know Thyself is an English translation of the Greek dictum ΓΝΩΘΙ ΣΕ ΑΥΤΟΝ which means to know oneself and was inscribed in stone above the Ancient Greek Temple of Apollo at Delphi. For the Greek philosopher, Socrates self-knowledge requires self-examination, but not in a sense that would come most naturally to contemporary readers. Instead, self-examination, as understood by Socrates, requires investigating, through debate and dialogue, the contours of concepts that seem necessary for living a good life: knowledge, justice, virtue, piety, and the like. His wisdom laid on understanding the limits of his knowledge ending up with the fact that he knows nothing about anything. Other philosophers like Thomas Hobbes believed that if you wish to understand other people you need to introspect. By observing your thoughts, feelings, and desires you can understand yourself and others as well. Later on, in the 19th century, Sigmund Freud brings up the power of unconscious forces that motivate our behaviors. Knowing ourselves has been an area of study and still constitutes one of the biggest challenges in our lives at least for those who have the desire to seek it.

Following this desire I came up with the following two essential points around self-knowledge according to Krishnamurti:

“To know oneself is to study oneself in action, which is a relationship”

“Self-knowledge arises when we are aware of ourselves in the relationship, which shows what we are from moment to moment. The relationship is a mirror in which we see ourselves as we really are.”

It is in the mirror of the relationships that our imperfections stand out and this allows us to see our strengths and weaknesses. Usually, when we think of a person who is trying to gain wisdom of himself we imagine monks or people who spend most of the time by themselves. What is the value of that if it is not tested under the crash test of the relationship? Self-knowledge depends on the perception of ourselves, and this requires sensitivity. A sensitivity to everything and everyone, devoid of thought and judgment. It’s about just noticing our characteristics without trying to change them. And it is by perceiving ourselves through our sensitivity that we have the chance to do differently not only ourselves but with the people with whom we relate. Only when we interact with others when we are connected with our loved ones we can react or respond in ways that may show us who we are. Especially in relationships where our ego is minimized, for instance with our children, we have the chance to experience self-awareness which leads to self-knowledge.

2.“Self-knowledge is not an end in itself. Is there a source for a river? Every drop of water creates the river from beginning to end.” Self-knowledge has no end – you don’t come to an achievement, you don’t conclude. It is an endless river. And as one studies it, as one goes into it more and more, one finds peace.

Self-Sabotage:

Self-sabotage is when you undermine your own goals and values.

Behavior is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems in daily life and interferes with long-standing goals. Common types of self-sabotage involve procrastination and perfectionism and are occasionally met in relationships, work, finances, time, and change. Although you try to make changes and disrupt these patterns, somehow you end up in the same place, again and again. If this sounds familiar, you could be sabotaging yourself. Self–sabotage refers to behaviors or thought patterns that hold you back and prevent you from doing what you want to do. Why would someone set a goal that really wants to achieve and work towards sabotaging his-her own plan at the same time? Because we are misled by “self-protection”. We raise all these “BUTS” that seem to be protecting us from failure, mistakes, pain, etc. Here are just three common examples of people who are stuck on their BUTS :

“I’d exercise and eat right, BUT I just don’t have the time.”

“I’d quit smoking, BUT I’m too stressed out.”

“I’d ask that girl out, BUT what if she rejects me?”

It seems so simple to put a dot before those “BUTS” and move forward. So why do we punish ourselves?

Self-Application:

So check in yourself. Pay attention and recognize these mental blogs every time they talk to you through your thoughts. Go deep and observe them. Do they belong to you? Are they true? What is behind them?

Fear:                           

One of the biggest barriers that all people have to overcome is fear. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of change. Fear of success. Fear of making decisions. Fear of responsibility. Fear of commitment. It is fear (and all of its cousins, such as worry, anxiety, depression, and self-doubt) that will turn your dream of success into a chilling nightmare that haunts you into paralysis.

Negative Belief Barriers:

“I’m too old.”

“I’m too young.”

“There’s never enough time.”

“Love hurts.”

“There are no good men left,”

“I don’t deserve that.”

As we grow up we become experts in using all these excuses to keep ourselves inside our comfort zone where we think we feel safe. Most of the time our expertise is so delicate that we don’t even recognize them as such. It is because these beliefs gain roots in our minds so deep that they turn from thoughts to facts. And as we grow we tend to accept these facts as true statements automatically without examining them. What if we step back next time we have such a thought and simply ask: “Is it true?”.

Watch What You Say to Yourself!:

Words hold the power to destroy, but they also hold the power to create. This is because words do more than define our experiences. In many cases they actually create them.

Like good parents of demanding two-year-olds, we need to take control and start parenting our inner voice. Would you talk to your child or best friend the way you some- times talk to yourself? I don’t think so.

If we catch ourselves saying mean things to ourselves— “You’re too fat! No one will ever love you! You can’t do anything right!”—we have to intervene and say, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m just a little [tired, scared, over- whelmed] right now.” Apologizing to ourselves is a foreign concept, but it’s necessary. We must respect ourselves. Practice talking to yourself the way you would talk to a best friend, a mentor, or someone you really look up to.

Choose our Connections Wisely:

As we mentioned before the people we choose to connect with becoming our mirrors. There is a greek dictum that says “Show me your friend to tell you who you are”. The moment our mind is self-sabotaging us we don’t need other people’s voices to enhance and empower all these “BUTs” that keep us back from our actions. Instead, we need people that will set an example of courage through their shared vulnerability, friends that will share positive feedback dressed with pure love to help us find out more things about ourselves. And of course, this works vice-versa. And that is a crucial point. Because sometimes our self-sabotage voices come exactly from perspectives that we have built around our kindness and behaviors to our friends that if we observe them they may not serve our goals whatsoever.

It is our choice:

What a great power to realize that it is completely in our hands to stop self-sabotage! No external authority is needed so we just need to get ownership of the situation and act. And exactly because of that we don’t have any excuses. The more we observe and learn ourselves the better we distinguish our inner voice from useless thoughts. The more we get connected with the child inside us the more we act. We remember how it was to fall and try again and again until we managed to walk. Thank God without “BUTs”, excuses and insecurities.

Coaching Application:

Self-awareness and self-knowledge are being important parts of the coaching journey. The more you get to know your values, your strengths, and the beliefs that serve you at the moment the more you distinguish when your thoughts are sabotaging your change. And as a result, the more you stop following them the more you strengthen your inner voice like a muscle that has been working out.

Address fears:

Fear is only deep as the mind allows. Japanese proverb

When fear is not illusioned by the mind it is a gift given by nature to protect us from danger. It works like an alarm system when we are threatened or at a risk. When did that change and fear become one of the most important problems in societies today?

Why do people allow this gift to negatively control their actions, their beliefs, and ultimately their lives? Well, it has a lot to do with making a distinct difference between reacting to fear and acting in fear. It has everything to do with your belief system, what your beliefs are about fear, and what you have been conditioned to believe.

Address underlying beliefs:

The only difference between a thought (which really doesn’t have much power over you) and a belief (which has total control over you) is this: a belief is a thought you’ve convinced yourself is true. In other words . . .

A belief is just a thought that you’ve made real.

Finding out with the customers which beliefs support their goals and working on the ones that get in the way is a part of the coaching partnership.

Using tools and assessments to support self-knowledge and minimize self-sabotage:

There are plenty of tools that can be used to support the customer to see clearly the strengths and values that drive their thoughts and behaviors. Also, we are grateful that nowadays we can easily reach various tests of behaviors and personalities that can give the name and cause various actions and aspects of ourselves. Furthermore, the use of visualization is a power tool for overcoming the thoughts of self-sabotage by a “fast-forward movement “that brings to light the feelings, the state of mind, and the new conditions strongly enough to fuel our way towards the wishful goal or change. That is based on a relatively well-known fact that we stimulate the same brain regions when we visualize the action and when we actually perform that same action.

Strategic Questioning:

Questions that promote thinking outside the box can be the key to moving forward. While we self-talks we usually repeat the same dialogues and follow the same vicious circles that drain our energy and steal our time without providing any creativity or movement forward. When the coach asks a question that stops these predictable chains the mind opens and creates a new path to our thinking. And that is the first step of a new action.

The Choice formula:

This formula is really simple and is the starting point of any action we need to take.

W>S

Will stands for W and Self-sabotage for S. every time we decide to change a habit, create a new one or take action on something in our life it is wise to sit a bit on that formula and check on which side we stand. Coaching can provide the space of trust where we can use the eyes of our inner self and see truly if our will is strong enough to support our action and if not to go deep enough and with kindness accept it or not. This deep dive inside to check this choice formula is done with the necessary precautions with a coach but the choice of experiencing where we stand in this equation is totally in the customer’s hands.

One last thing:

Allow me to leave you with this parting piece of wisdom.

Mentor “When does a person learn something?”

Client “When they retain the information they set forth to absorb.”

“Wrong,” the mentor replied. “Learning doesn’t occur until the behavior has changed. As long as you know something intellectually but you have yet to put it into practice, you haven’t learned it at all.”

Whoa!

References and inspirational readings:

ICA Power tools

“Get off your But” by Sean Stephenson

“Conquer Fear” by Lisa Gimenez

“Know Thyself- The Value and Limits of self-knowledge” by Mitchell S.Green

https://jkrishnamurti.org/

https://medium.com/@nicolas.rufino/

Self-Sabotage: Why You Do It and How to Stop for Good

Original source: https://coachcampus.com/coach-portfolios/power-tools/athina-tsellou-know-thyself-vs-self-sabotage/

[personalcoachingcenter]

Power Tool: Know Thyself vs. Self-Sabotage

New Post has been published on https://personalcoachingcenter.com/power-tool-know-thyself-vs-self-sabotage/

Power Tool: Know Thyself vs. Self-Sabotage

A Coaching Power Tool Created by Athina Tsellou (Health & Wellness Coach, GREECE)

The unexamined life is not to be lived. Socratic dictum

Know Thyself:

The phrase Know Thyself is an English translation of the Greek dictum ΓΝΩΘΙ ΣΕ ΑΥΤΟΝ which means to know oneself and was inscribed in stone above the Ancient Greek Temple of Apollo at Delphi. For the Greek philosopher, Socrates self-knowledge requires self-examination, but not in a sense that would come most naturally to contemporary readers. Instead, self-examination, as understood by Socrates, requires investigating, through debate and dialogue, the contours of concepts that seem necessary for living a good life: knowledge, justice, virtue, piety, and the like. His wisdom laid on understanding the limits of his knowledge ending up with the fact that he knows nothing about anything. Other philosophers like Thomas Hobbes believed that if you wish to understand other people you need to introspect. By observing your thoughts, feelings, and desires you can understand yourself and others as well. Later on, in the 19th century, Sigmund Freud brings up the power of unconscious forces that motivate our behaviors. Knowing ourselves has been an area of study and still constitutes one of the biggest challenges in our lives at least for those who have the desire to seek it.

Following this desire I came up with the following two essential points around self-knowledge according to Krishnamurti:

“To know oneself is to study oneself in action, which is a relationship”

“Self-knowledge arises when we are aware of ourselves in the relationship, which shows what we are from moment to moment. The relationship is a mirror in which we see ourselves as we really are.”

It is in the mirror of the relationships that our imperfections stand out and this allows us to see our strengths and weaknesses. Usually, when we think of a person who is trying to gain wisdom of himself we imagine monks or people who spend most of the time by themselves. What is the value of that if it is not tested under the crash test of the relationship? Self-knowledge depends on the perception of ourselves, and this requires sensitivity. A sensitivity to everything and everyone, devoid of thought and judgment. It’s about just noticing our characteristics without trying to change them. And it is by perceiving ourselves through our sensitivity that we have the chance to do differently not only ourselves but with the people with whom we relate. Only when we interact with others when we are connected with our loved ones we can react or respond in ways that may show us who we are. Especially in relationships where our ego is minimized, for instance with our children, we have the chance to experience self-awareness which leads to self-knowledge.

2.“Self-knowledge is not an end in itself. Is there a source for a river? Every drop of water creates the river from beginning to end.” Self-knowledge has no end – you don’t come to an achievement, you don’t conclude. It is an endless river. And as one studies it, as one goes into it more and more, one finds peace.

Self-Sabotage:

Self-sabotage is when you undermine your own goals and values.

Behavior is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems in daily life and interferes with long-standing goals. Common types of self-sabotage involve procrastination and perfectionism and are occasionally met in relationships, work, finances, time, and change. Although you try to make changes and disrupt these patterns, somehow you end up in the same place, again and again. If this sounds familiar, you could be sabotaging yourself. Self–sabotage refers to behaviors or thought patterns that hold you back and prevent you from doing what you want to do. Why would someone set a goal that really wants to achieve and work towards sabotaging his-her own plan at the same time? Because we are misled by “self-protection”. We raise all these “BUTS” that seem to be protecting us from failure, mistakes, pain, etc. Here are just three common examples of people who are stuck on their BUTS :

“I’d exercise and eat right, BUT I just don’t have the time.”

“I’d quit smoking, BUT I’m too stressed out.”

“I’d ask that girl out, BUT what if she rejects me?”

It seems so simple to put a dot before those “BUTS” and move forward. So why do we punish ourselves?

Self-Application:

So check in yourself. Pay attention and recognize these mental blogs every time they talk to you through your thoughts. Go deep and observe them. Do they belong to you? Are they true? What is behind them?

Fear:                           

One of the biggest barriers that all people have to overcome is fear. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of change. Fear of success. Fear of making decisions. Fear of responsibility. Fear of commitment. It is fear (and all of its cousins, such as worry, anxiety, depression, and self-doubt) that will turn your dream of success into a chilling nightmare that haunts you into paralysis.

Negative Belief Barriers:

“I’m too old.”

“I’m too young.”

“There’s never enough time.”

“Love hurts.”

“There are no good men left,”

“I don’t deserve that.”

As we grow up we become experts in using all these excuses to keep ourselves inside our comfort zone where we think we feel safe. Most of the time our expertise is so delicate that we don’t even recognize them as such. It is because these beliefs gain roots in our minds so deep that they turn from thoughts to facts. And as we grow we tend to accept these facts as true statements automatically without examining them. What if we step back next time we have such a thought and simply ask: “Is it true?”.

Watch What You Say to Yourself!:

Words hold the power to destroy, but they also hold the power to create. This is because words do more than define our experiences. In many cases they actually create them.

Like good parents of demanding two-year-olds, we need to take control and start parenting our inner voice. Would you talk to your child or best friend the way you some- times talk to yourself? I don’t think so.

If we catch ourselves saying mean things to ourselves— “You’re too fat! No one will ever love you! You can’t do anything right!”—we have to intervene and say, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m just a little [tired, scared, over- whelmed] right now.” Apologizing to ourselves is a foreign concept, but it’s necessary. We must respect ourselves. Practice talking to yourself the way you would talk to a best friend, a mentor, or someone you really look up to.

Choose our Connections Wisely:

As we mentioned before the people we choose to connect with becoming our mirrors. There is a greek dictum that says “Show me your friend to tell you who you are”. The moment our mind is self-sabotaging us we don’t need other people’s voices to enhance and empower all these “BUTs” that keep us back from our actions. Instead, we need people that will set an example of courage through their shared vulnerability, friends that will share positive feedback dressed with pure love to help us find out more things about ourselves. And of course, this works vice-versa. And that is a crucial point. Because sometimes our self-sabotage voices come exactly from perspectives that we have built around our kindness and behaviors to our friends that if we observe them they may not serve our goals whatsoever.

It is our choice:

What a great power to realize that it is completely in our hands to stop self-sabotage! No external authority is needed so we just need to get ownership of the situation and act. And exactly because of that we don’t have any excuses. The more we observe and learn ourselves the better we distinguish our inner voice from useless thoughts. The more we get connected with the child inside us the more we act. We remember how it was to fall and try again and again until we managed to walk. Thank God without “BUTs”, excuses and insecurities.

Coaching Application:

Self-awareness and self-knowledge are being important parts of the coaching journey. The more you get to know your values, your strengths, and the beliefs that serve you at the moment the more you distinguish when your thoughts are sabotaging your change. And as a result, the more you stop following them the more you strengthen your inner voice like a muscle that has been working out.

Address fears:

Fear is only deep as the mind allows. Japanese proverb

When fear is not illusioned by the mind it is a gift given by nature to protect us from danger. It works like an alarm system when we are threatened or at a risk. When did that change and fear become one of the most important problems in societies today?

Why do people allow this gift to negatively control their actions, their beliefs, and ultimately their lives? Well, it has a lot to do with making a distinct difference between reacting to fear and acting in fear. It has everything to do with your belief system, what your beliefs are about fear, and what you have been conditioned to believe.

Address underlying beliefs:

The only difference between a thought (which really doesn’t have much power over you) and a belief (which has total control over you) is this: a belief is a thought you’ve convinced yourself is true. In other words . . .

A belief is just a thought that you’ve made real.

Finding out with the customers which beliefs support their goals and working on the ones that get in the way is a part of the coaching partnership.

Using tools and assessments to support self-knowledge and minimize self-sabotage:

There are plenty of tools that can be used to support the customer to see clearly the strengths and values that drive their thoughts and behaviors. Also, we are grateful that nowadays we can easily reach various tests of behaviors and personalities that can give the name and cause various actions and aspects of ourselves. Furthermore, the use of visualization is a power tool for overcoming the thoughts of self-sabotage by a “fast-forward movement “that brings to light the feelings, the state of mind, and the new conditions strongly enough to fuel our way towards the wishful goal or change. That is based on a relatively well-known fact that we stimulate the same brain regions when we visualize the action and when we actually perform that same action.

Strategic Questioning:

Questions that promote thinking outside the box can be the key to moving forward. While we self-talks we usually repeat the same dialogues and follow the same vicious circles that drain our energy and steal our time without providing any creativity or movement forward. When the coach asks a question that stops these predictable chains the mind opens and creates a new path to our thinking. And that is the first step of a new action.

The Choice formula:

This formula is really simple and is the starting point of any action we need to take.

W>S

Will stands for W and Self-sabotage for S. every time we decide to change a habit, create a new one or take action on something in our life it is wise to sit a bit on that formula and check on which side we stand. Coaching can provide the space of trust where we can use the eyes of our inner self and see truly if our will is strong enough to support our action and if not to go deep enough and with kindness accept it or not. This deep dive inside to check this choice formula is done with the necessary precautions with a coach but the choice of experiencing where we stand in this equation is totally in the customer’s hands.

One last thing:

Allow me to leave you with this parting piece of wisdom.

Mentor “When does a person learn something?”

Client “When they retain the information they set forth to absorb.”

“Wrong,” the mentor replied. “Learning doesn’t occur until the behavior has changed. As long as you know something intellectually but you have yet to put it into practice, you haven’t learned it at all.”

Whoa!

References and inspirational readings:

ICA Power tools

“Get off your But” by Sean Stephenson

“Conquer Fear” by Lisa Gimenez

“Know Thyself- The Value and Limits of self-knowledge” by Mitchell S.Green

https://jkrishnamurti.org/

https://medium.com/@nicolas.rufino/

Self-Sabotage: Why You Do It and How to Stop for Good

Original source: https://coachcampus.com/coach-portfolios/power-tools/athina-tsellou-know-thyself-vs-self-sabotage/